It’s a common problem. You find yourself frustrated at the social anxiety or shyness that holds you back when it comes to asking for what you want. It could be asking for directions, asking for quiet, asking for a refund, asking for a change on a deadline, or just about anything. Other people don’t understand it and may make fun of you when you try to explain why you feel anxious about asserting yourself. The cause? Your intense dislike for conflict, your dislike for making yourself stand out, and your dislike of any situation that could bring negative judgment from others, even unspoken negative thoughts.
What’s the solution? The best solution is to develop a thicker skin. I will tell you exactly how to do that, but first I need to mess with your mind for a minute so that you will actually accept the methods that I’m going to offer you. You see, most people who are reading this article are very unlikely to ever overcome this problem because of one specific reason. They simply choose to let the fear of pain dominate their thoughts instead of allowing their motivation and action to be driven by powerful positive anticipation of things that they do want.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to tell you that people are lazy and it’s all their fault. Rather, I’m saying that very few people have ever discovered a very important secret about human motivation and change. The secret I’m talking about is that we are much more likely to follow through on changes we make in our lives if the mere thought of making the change ignites a positive emotion and the accompanying flow of dopamine in our brain. Dopamine is the “feel good” neurotransmitter that is active in the reward center of our brain. It is what gets us moving in pursuit of things we want.
Most people are driven primarily by attempts at escaping from what they don’t want in life. This is what happens when you start each day without a solid plan in your mind for living toward specific goals and realistic dreams for the future. You can do better than most people. Read on.
Are you wondering what any of this has to do with developing a thicker skin so that you can ask for what you want? I’ll get to that, so please hang in there for just another minute. You’re going to feel really good when you learn to make this simple shift in your mindset that I’m going to explain before you reach the end of this article. (Did you catch my attempt to cause your brain to be motivated to finish reading this article by offering your mind a sense of positive anticipation?)
Here’s the method that will help you to develop a thicker skin. It is quite simple, so I need to warn you not to dismiss it simply because of its simplicity. Often, the most simple and direct approach is the most powerful approach for getting what you want in life. This is the case for developing a thicker skin. The best method is to simply practice asking for things that you want, while gradually increasing the level of difficulty. Ask for what you want from people that know that you are simply practicing. Start out by telling a spouse or friend that you are going to be asking for a lot of things, and tell them they are free to say no because you are simply practicing. Ask people at work for things that you want. Ask for directions even if you don’t need them. Ask for extra time when working on a deadline. Practice, practice, practice.
Are you wondering how you could possibly follow through on this when you struggle to ask for what you want? People can accomplish absolutely incredible feats when the motivation is strong enough. So I’m asking you to start with building powerful motivation. Think of it like a swim through a freezing-cold lake. The pain will be short-lived because you will rapidly become accustomed to asking for things when you do it all day, and the result will be a quickly-developing callous that protects you from the pangs of fear or guilt that currently hold you in bondage. So all you have to do is build a powerful positive expectation that is strong enough to make this short journey rewarding.
In order to build your motivation more, start with a vivid mental hologram that helps you to imagine what it would be like to be a more assertive person. Think about how it would feel to be able to hold your head high while you demand proper respect from other people, without flinching or feeling anxious afterwards. In order for this process to work, you need to become very certain that the vision you have of the future version of yourself is a real possibility. Don’t simply wonder about what it would be like. Instead, think of your visualization as something that is 100% linked to the specific action of practicing asking for what you want until it feels natural.
Here are a couple more tips before I send you on your way to get to work on this. Right before you ask for something you want, imagine the mindset of someone who is very assertive. Think about how they think of things in an entitled sort of way. Think about how those people would respond to someone who challenged them for asking for what they wanted. Think about how loud their voice would be. Think about how you still like them and you don’t resent them for being assertive. Another tip is to think about times when someone has asked you for a favor, or directions, or something else. Did you hate their guts? No! Social Psychology research has found that we actually like others more after we grant them a favor. So take action on this information. Create a vision for how you want to feel and then keep a log so that you don’t forget to work on it every day for at least twenty-one days. See yourself laughing with joy at your accomplishment at the end of the twenty-one days. Now go for it.
Dr. Todd Snyder is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of Social Anxiety Disorder. He is the creator of the Social Anxiety Secrets System that provides a complete self-help and personal motivation system for overcoming symptoms of social anxiety. A free mini-course can be found at his website, www.socialanxietysecrets.com
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